Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me I Looked Like This?!

The picture on the left was taken in March, the photo on the right was taken this morning.  I cannot believe how big my face was at 367 pounds and how much thinner I look at 315.  

I totally believe that my friends never said a word to me. We don't normally tell our loved ones they are fat or dangerously fat.  I was dangerously fat and I knew it but I was living in my fantasy world that everything would be ok and that I looked good.  I seriously thought that I looked good.  But it was a lie.  I was in pain. My knees hurt, I sleep with a CPAP machine, and I was not enjoying the really great things in life.  One of the most telling events was a trip to the theater to see Les Miserables.  I love that musical.  Seen it a dozen times.  The theater seats were so small for me that I was in physical pain from being crammed in to the seeat.  On the way home I thought I would not be able to do that again.  I realized that the seats did not need to change, the size of my ass needed to change.  And so I am.

One of the things that we are taught as children, especially those of us who grew up in the self esteem movement, is that we need to love ourselves and accept people as they are.  I have tried to live that mantra my whole like.  Who am I to judge who you love, how you dress, what color your hair is, and to do the same for myself.  I am wondering as I look at the photo on the left, is that the best approach?  Should we not, as loved ones of someone, say something?  Should we continue to tell people that are clearly obese, like I am, that they look great and they are beautiful.  I have talked about this before but clearly it is sticking with me.

I recently saw a statement that said "Real women have curves."  I understand the intent.  It is let all of us that are not what I will call the professional model standard that we are just as beautiful.  And we are but are we healthy and well?  Are we doing a disservice to keep telling those of us that are morbidly obese that we look fabulous when the truth is we are slowing killing ourselves?

I want my message to be one of wellness.  Whatever that means to you.  But I don't know if I can keep up the facade of everything being ok. I wonder if I have to the guts to tell someone I love that I am worried about them and their health.  I KNOW how hard this is.  There are so many unknowns.  We would rather be in the pain we know then to think about a pain we don't know.  It is why we stay fat, stay in jobs we hate, stay in relationships with people we don't love anymore.  The fear of the unknown is frightening.  I get it.  I worry about what my body will look like, how people will treat me, how I will be in the world but I can't take the way I felt in June. 

I don't know if I would have heard the person telling me they were worried about me.  But I want to be brave enough to tell someone I love them first and tell them second I am worried about them.  And that they can change their lives.  And then let it go.