Saving Rosie

Food.  We cannot live without it.  It is the fuel that makes our bodies move, our brains think, and our organs work.  But for some, including me, food is an addiction.  One that I am trying to recover from. My program is about staying within a prescribed number of points through Weight Watchers.  It is working for me as I am losing weight but more importantly I am eating better and healthier.  I have added in lean meats, fruits, veggies, and whole grains.  I still have some food that was in the past hard for me to control but I have a set limit of what I can consume.  It keeps me on track.

Healing myself is an important part of this journey.  I realized today that I am really working on healing the little girl still living inside me.  It has been more mental at times than physical.  I am doing great with the food, I am still working on the emotions.

When I was 4 I had my tonsils out.  Until then I was a slim little girl.  Then for some reason I began to eat.  A lot.  I remember the day I binged for the first time.  My father's mother lived with us.  She was not a nice person.  She was by no means a warm and fuzzy grandmother.  Her name was Bea.  We called her Gramma Bea.  She loved me in some way but I also annoyed her and she really did not like me.  She was home all day so she would bake 100's of cookies.  I mean 100's and then she would hide them.  I would walk in to the house after school, smell the cookies, ask for one, and be told I was too fat to have one.  Nice one Bea.  She hid them in her room in the biggest Tupperware bowl on the planet.  One day, when my parents were out with Bea, my brother and I found the bowl.  We ate cookies for hours.  We binged on them. There was no purging but I binged on those cookies.  I could not wait to do it again.  I would show her.  The binging would happen many times over the years.

One of the biggest reasons I ate was because I was lonely.  I had friends but I have always felt as if I had to be the one to call or make plans.  I once waited for one of my many friends to call me, it took two weeks before someone called.  I was popular but I was lonely.  My mother worked 3 jobs so she wasn't home, the only thing to do was to eat and watch TV.  I was sad a lot.  I also missed my father.  We lived on opposite sides of the country and felt abandoned by him even before the divorce.  We have repaired our relationship but it was hard not having him around.

I got married, got sick, got fatter and pretty much stayed within the same 50-60 pounds the rest of my life until now.  I must have realized that this was no way to live anymore.  I have had moments in the last 4 months where I really wanted to eat a pint of ice cream, or an entire container of french onion dip and a bag of chips.  But I haven't.  I lost my job and I did not eat over it.  I had a car accident and I did not eat over it.  I know what all that tastes like, I don't know what my goal weight feels like.  

The best part is Rosie, is no longer alone.  Friends call me all the time.  I have an amazing partner in this and in life.  The little girl sticks her head around the corner now and then.  I greet her.  I tell her I love her.  I hold her close to me and I heal the pain and take away the need.  It really is about healing Rosie.  And making Rose a whole lot better.

Getting on the Bike/Elliptical Again

I have not stepped in to a gym in a very long time.  It has been over a year since I walked in to a gym. I tried to get on the wellness bandwagon a year ago after learning that I needed a CPAP machine to sleep at night.  I lasted about 4 weeks.  I hurt my knee and then my orthopedic doctor told me not to workout on machines until I lost 50 pounds.  I never lost the 50 pounds.  So no working out.

This time around I started with weight loss.  Since I am down almost 50 pounds I got the go ahead to use fitness machines.  Last week we joined the gym near our house.  We started on the stationary bike and then moved to a 3o minute circuit training.  Probably should not have been so gung ho.  I was sore and my muscles did not like me.  It felt great but I realized I needed to pace myself more.  This is not a race.  It is a journey.  I will be losing this weight and laying the foundation for this life change for the next 2 years.  No need to rush.

Yesterday we went back to the gym. This time I did 20 minutes on a stationary bike, 15 minutes on the elliptical machines and another 15 minutes on a different stationary bike.  Today I feel awesome.  It was hard to do the elliptical and it seriously kicked my butt (which is the point).  My knees don't hurt.  I am not sure.  This is great.

I am so happy I got back on the bike.  It is going to change so much for me.  I cannot wait to look back and think about how far I have come.

What is Weight Loss Really About?

I was at my Weight Watchers meeting on Saturday.  It was a good day.  I had lost 2.8 pounds which brought my total loss to 47.8 pounds.  I was feeling good about being so close to 50 pounds lost.  I also got my 15 week charm.  And to top it all off my finace' reached his 10% loss goal.  Then I started to cry.

I had not planned on crying. There really wasn't anything to cry about really.  The leader was talking about a woman on the WW website who was 44 and started losing weight after discovering that her father died about the same age from the same heart condition that she had.  I thought - "I am 44.  And I decided to lose weight after it struck me that my mother was 56 when she died and that only 10 years with Tim was not going to be enough."  I started to tear up.  Not just moist eyes but real tears.

When you lose weight you are not just shedding weight you are shedding all the pain that made you put those doughnuts in your face.  I have been emotional eating all my life.  There is nothing pretty about it.  I hope to discover more about this.  What other emotions are going to come up?  Whatever they may be I am going to embrace them.  And certainly not eat about them.  My life has changed so I can have a long life.  I cry for my mom and I cry for me.  We both needed to love ourselves a lot more.

Starting to Look Like I Thought I Looked Like

When we look in the mirror what do we see?  I used to see someone who I thought looked a lot smaller than I really was.  I thought I looked good.  Oh I knew I was overweight, still am in fact, but not as big as I was when I started this journey on June 1.  It was a complete shock to me that I was 367 pounds.  It was to be perfectly honest, horrifying.  I did not know I had gotten that big and unhealthy.  Getting a CPAP machine last year, debilitating knee pain, and other health issues were not enough to make me realize I was in serious trouble. 

Yesterday, I weighed in at my Weight Watchers meeting and I was down again.  I have lost 45 pounds.  I am super excited.  When I look back at all the years that I struggled, I could not believe that I did not do this sooner.  I am not going to beat myself up over this.  I made choices.  I ate it, I own it.  Since the change in my life has started, I am happier, healthier, and stronger.  

Back to the mirror.  I am noticing the changes more now.  So are people that is very cool.  I am excited to see what I will look like in the coming months.  I think that I am starting to look like the person I thought I was.  I can't wait to not even recognize myself.

The Seat Belt Extender Dread

I boarded an airplane on Thursday. One of the reasons I am on this journey of weight loss is because on a Southwest flight from Phoenix to Little Rock, I was so miserable in my seat that I had to ask for a seat belt extender.  I have had to do this for a few years.  Why that flight?  Why that trip did it reduce me to tears?  I don’t know.  It just did.  And I am thankful I finally got to that point.  The trip on Thursday was one of both anticipation and dread.

The dread came from the fear that although I have lost 41 pounds since that trip, I would still have to use an extender.  I did not think that I would but I was afraid it may be one of those moments that I am reduced to tears again.  I have to keep telling myself that I have gone from size 24 pants to almost size 18 pants and that I was sure most of the weight had come off around my hips and butt.  I had to remind myself this is a journey.  A destination and along the way I will have bump, a flat tire, and even a breakdown.  I hade to remember that I don’t ever want to go back to where I was before June 30.  There is too much at stake.

When I thought about snapping that seat belt in to the buckle and hearing it click once not twice.  It was a glorious moment for me when I was able to not only buckle the seat belt but that there was at least 4 inches of belt to spare.  I did not cry, I just yelled out YES!!!

I had called United Airlines and their customer service representative did everything they could to find out for me the actual length of each seatbelt on each aircraft.  That was totally impressive.  The seat belts are 31 inches.  I think my hips are measuring at 52. To be on the safe side I reserved the extender.  I am determined to hand it back to the flight attendant.

I think I need to expand more on this.  Using the extender has been a source of shame and embarrassment for me as I gained weight and got heavier and heavier.  I felt like I was sub-human by many a flight attendant.  The looks and glares from other passengers was demeaning and terrible.  On several trips I have felt shamed, guilty, and embarrassed.  I had decided at one point to stop traveling all together but soon realized this was not going to happen.  I love to travel and want to do more.

Now that I have made the choice to improve my health, lose weight and be more active, travel is starting to be exciting for me again.  In the next year we will travel to Indiana, Texas, Nevada, Georgia, and Hawaii.  As the months pass, the less there is of me, the better this will be.  The extender will become just a memory.