Saving Rosie

Food.  We cannot live without it.  It is the fuel that makes our bodies move, our brains think, and our organs work.  But for some, including me, food is an addiction.  One that I am trying to recover from. My program is about staying within a prescribed number of points through Weight Watchers.  It is working for me as I am losing weight but more importantly I am eating better and healthier.  I have added in lean meats, fruits, veggies, and whole grains.  I still have some food that was in the past hard for me to control but I have a set limit of what I can consume.  It keeps me on track.

Healing myself is an important part of this journey.  I realized today that I am really working on healing the little girl still living inside me.  It has been more mental at times than physical.  I am doing great with the food, I am still working on the emotions.

When I was 4 I had my tonsils out.  Until then I was a slim little girl.  Then for some reason I began to eat.  A lot.  I remember the day I binged for the first time.  My father's mother lived with us.  She was not a nice person.  She was by no means a warm and fuzzy grandmother.  Her name was Bea.  We called her Gramma Bea.  She loved me in some way but I also annoyed her and she really did not like me.  She was home all day so she would bake 100's of cookies.  I mean 100's and then she would hide them.  I would walk in to the house after school, smell the cookies, ask for one, and be told I was too fat to have one.  Nice one Bea.  She hid them in her room in the biggest Tupperware bowl on the planet.  One day, when my parents were out with Bea, my brother and I found the bowl.  We ate cookies for hours.  We binged on them. There was no purging but I binged on those cookies.  I could not wait to do it again.  I would show her.  The binging would happen many times over the years.

One of the biggest reasons I ate was because I was lonely.  I had friends but I have always felt as if I had to be the one to call or make plans.  I once waited for one of my many friends to call me, it took two weeks before someone called.  I was popular but I was lonely.  My mother worked 3 jobs so she wasn't home, the only thing to do was to eat and watch TV.  I was sad a lot.  I also missed my father.  We lived on opposite sides of the country and felt abandoned by him even before the divorce.  We have repaired our relationship but it was hard not having him around.

I got married, got sick, got fatter and pretty much stayed within the same 50-60 pounds the rest of my life until now.  I must have realized that this was no way to live anymore.  I have had moments in the last 4 months where I really wanted to eat a pint of ice cream, or an entire container of french onion dip and a bag of chips.  But I haven't.  I lost my job and I did not eat over it.  I had a car accident and I did not eat over it.  I know what all that tastes like, I don't know what my goal weight feels like.  

The best part is Rosie, is no longer alone.  Friends call me all the time.  I have an amazing partner in this and in life.  The little girl sticks her head around the corner now and then.  I greet her.  I tell her I love her.  I hold her close to me and I heal the pain and take away the need.  It really is about healing Rosie.  And making Rose a whole lot better.